12 signs you’ve been hiking too long

1. You consider socks which are only slightly smelly to be clean.

2. You’re excited about the prospect of being able to wash your clothes in a sink, even though it means going to dinner in soaking wet clothes and getting frozen by the air conditioning.

3. You hoard toothpicks from the rare restaurants you come across to clean your nails with.

4. You are ecstatically happy when a kind hunter gives you a beer you would never buy. It tastes like nectar of the gods to you.

5. You spend a big chunk of the day fantasising about drinking cool water which isn’t full of grape-flavoured electrolytes.

6. When the water’s running low, you dream all night about ordering cold bottles of sparkling water from room service and about waterfalls in foreign lands.

7. You are surprised to hear the waitress in the first restaurant you’ve seen for four days tell you that a human being can only possibly eat one of their pizzas in a sitting.

8. You pee near the tree in which you’ve hung your food bag in the (probably mistaken) belief that your scent will dissuade the bears from stealing your supplies.

9. You awake disappointed, but not surprised to find that rats have eaten part of your belongings overnight.

10. Your new hero is someone you only met for 5 minutes, but who can walk 3 times your daily mileage with the same weight backpack.

11. You feel bad for the tadpoles when you pump water out of their puddle to drink and keep you alive.

12. You automatically scan restaurant seats for tarantulas, black widows, brown recluses and scorpions before you sit down.

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